Religious Addiction: A Request from the Comments

Remember my post from 2007 about Religious Addiction?  A commenter named Frustrated and Overwhelmed left the following:

Rick, that was an amazing story. I'm not Mormon but I've watched my husband replace me with his reading, studying to quickly looking like an addict. I'd never in a million years thought of religion as a possible addiction until I googled it. Is there any way to get him to see that he really does have a part in the destruction of our marriage and that he has become virtually obsessed? I have two kids, one of them sees his behavior but is choosing to enable it because he is now talking to her again so she is happy. And my son is just oblivious. PLEASE HELP ME!

It's a tough one, F&O.  The real problem is that no one understands that religious addiction is a real problem that can harm others and destroy one's relationship with their family.  See, we live in a society where religion, particularly Christianity, is the ultimate good.  We are told that religious people have the strongest relationship with God and that religion brings families together.  It's those members of the family who don't share the addiction that are the outcasts - that "have the problem." 

I know that because I grew up being the outcast.  I tried to be religious.  I tried to share the values that surrounded me and therefore become the loved and desired one.  But it didn't work because I don't share that compulsion to devote all myself to God and transfer all my own problems into the Great Almighty.  I don't believe that my finances will come together if I pray more or that my promotion hinges on a few more hours a week of Bible study.  I believe that I get ahead, or behind, based on my own efforts and by the results that I can influence.  I don't transfer my reality to the whims of an omnipotent being with nothing better to do than keep devotional score.

But when it comes down to how others view us, F&O, you will be on the losing end.  How do you say, "he gave too much of himself to God and not enough to me?"  How do you claim emotional abandonment when Job gave everything, including the lives of his family, to God's challenge?  Your own sacrifices seem Biblically paltry when you whine about your problems.  The devotee is always the one who is struggling and trying.  After all, religion strengthens families, it NEVER tears them apart.   This isn't true, of course, but it's what we see on our Christian-friendly television, on CNN Newshour, and from our parents and culture. 

The fact of the matter is that if two people share an obsession, it can bring them together.  But if one of them doesn't then the relationship can suffer. 

My advice is to forget about public perceptions.   You didn't mention that being a concern, but if it were me it would be.  Tell your husband that you don't share his passion in this area, but that you want him to exert as much energy and desire into things you care about as he demands of you in this area that he cares about.  Ask him to join you in counseling from a neutral counselor - it wouldn't make sense to have your pastor, Bishop, or rabbi counsel you when you are struggling with the very institution they represent. 

You can't deny him his religion, but you can make him aware of the impact it's having on you, and on his family. 

Be temperate in all things, after all. 

Comments

[a rose is a rose]

me, i'd kick him to the curb. i'm sorry f&o's marriage is on the fringe. once there though, it's very difficult to bring back

[CVRick]

I'm not so willing to give up on it, Rose. I give people two bits of advice from my own experience. #1 Never get married. #2 Never get divorced. I failed at both.