The Secret to Watching Football: How to enjoy football games with your wife or girlfriend.

Guys, it's not that hard to make football games an enjoyable experience for both of you.  So, you want to watch the college bowl games, or the NFL Playoffs and Superbowl. Tell your honey that the game's coming on and she'll be happy, anxious for Kickoff. 

Here's how:

Pre-Game  – Get a comfortable spot for both of you to sit.  I have this great futon and a half-chair that I stet up at the end of it.  I sit down and she sits right in front of me.

First Quarter – Her Neck

Start by putting your hands on her shoulders, gripping firmly and then using your thumbs, knead the muscles in her upper spine and through her lower neck.  Firmly, but not too deep, keep working your way from lower to higher, de-stressing the muscles until they are loose.  After every ten or fifteen cycles of this, take your hands and rub them softly the length of her spine. After that take your full hands and rub her shoulders from the arms toward the neck.  Then go back to that upper spine and neck rub. 

This will take most of the first quarter.  She'll be softly telling you how much she likes football by this point. 

Second Quarter - Her Head.

Take your fingers and rub them through her hair, massaging the scalp.  You want to work your way from the front of her scalp to the back, making it all the way to the upper neck where you have already relaxed her neck muscles.  Make sure to range out and catch above and behind both ears, as well as a gentle soft rub along her forehead every once in a while.

She'll be asking you if your team is winning by this point.  This will take you to halftime.

Halftime. 

Take a break, get some snacks, walk the dog, whatever you need to do, but be sure to be back in your seat for the beginning of the third quarter.  By this time she'll be ordering you to make it in time for kickoff.  Guaranteed.

Third Quarter – Hair Brushing

Bring out the hairbrush. 

Brush her hair from front to back. Long, nice strokes, taking your time.  It will sensitize her scalp which you've already relaxed.  She'll tingle with pleasure and the brushing will make her hair silky soft.  You can even take a few breaks during the hair brushing to rub her ear lobes and the area just behind and under her ears.  This should be one or two minute breaks maximum.  Remember, the third quarter is about hair brushing.

Fourth Quarter – Her Back:

Now you've reached the home stretch here.  Your game is either getting exciting or it's turned into a blowout.  Regardless, this is the prime opportunity to hook her on football forever.  Don't blow it. 

Hold her close to you and lean her head back.  Give her a kiss and then softly, with the tips of your fingers tickle her face from forehead around the cheeks to the chin.  Run your hands down her neck, tickle her chest, come back up and catch the ears, get back to the forehead.  Repeat.  Keep this up for a couple of possessions. 

Now have her lay down beside you while you watch the game and run your hands up and down her back.  She'll be laying face down and won't even know there's a game on except the background noise of idiot announcers talking about how this game compares to the other forty-five that they saw which were just like it. 

She'll be purring.  She'll remember all the reasons why you aren't a bad guy, all the things you've ever done that are worth keeping your around. 

Five minutes left in the game, ask her to go get some lotion.  Then take the lotion and rub it deeply into her back from her shoulders and neck all the way to the small of her back.  Rub it into her arms and into her legs.  She'll move wherever you need her to.  Rub lotion into her feet. 

The game's ending, you watched the whole thing. 

She'll say, “It's already over? Ohhhh.  Can we watch another one.”

You'll find that she'll learn the schedules, be ready to watch with you.  She'll even pick up the beer and bring snacks home from the store.  She might even learn the names of a couple of the players on your favorite team.  She'll drop them into conversation to see if you notice that she's taken an interest.

Enjoy the January Football Games.  I know I will.

- rick, football fan.

Comments

[julieann henneman]

Man, I wanna watch football with you. I loathe the game, but....damn. I think I'll go see if one's on, just for giggles...

[a rose is a rose]

hmmmmmmm, i am dubious rick.........

[wry catcher]

Now that's a football attitude I could get on board with.

[Sideon]

I'm a new believer in footballism.

[Sugar]

I hate sports. All sports. I loathe them. I always have. The sound of a television with sports playing makes me crabby, prickly, filled with anger. Baseball, Hockey, Golf, Tennis, Basketball are the worst. Football is only slightly better, because at least I know the basic rules. Still, I would never, ever willing watch a game or care to know when one is on and I certainly wouldn't know which team is which or who is playing.
I would, in short watch an infomercial that I have seen 12 times AGAIN rather than watch sports.

Until, Rick that is...

He loves College Football. I don't understand how a guy who never played the game, only attended the college for an education could get so involved in football team.

OU is the best team ever. They play tomorrow night at 7:30. Frankly, they should have been in the National Championship. It is too bad they lost to Colorado. However, they have a really young team with some great Red Shirt Freshmen*. By next year Bob (the coach, he and I are on a first name basis) will have those boys whipped into a well-oiled machine.

I can't wait for later today - unfortunately Rick is making eggs and toast right now and not enjoying the Cotton Bowl. But the Capitol One (really, the monetization of sports is really astounding, except that I am in advertising and it is my business to make things like this happen) Bowl and the Rose Bowl will be fabulous. I can't wait to watch a few games. The beer is chilling, the chips and shrimp tray are ready for the half time snacks.

GO SOONERS!!!
I LOVE FOOTBALL!!!!
* Red Shirt Freshman - just learned that term this year during one fabulous OU game.

Plus, the Vikings have Adrian Peterson, the Vikings suck as usual, but Adrian is from OU. That is why he so damn good.

[E.F.]

Wow, never thought I'd get into the idea of watching football, but DAMN RICK. I'm purrring in anticipation...
Anyone want to come to my place and watch the game?

[E.F.]

Wow, never thought I'd get into the idea of watching football, but DAMN RICK. I'm purrring in anticipation...
Anyone want to come to my place and watch the game?

[Sugar]

A couple more things to keep in mind.

On football days when we have the house to ourselves, it is always best to wear as little as possible and Rick can expect some quality attention of his own as soon as the game is winding down.

[a rose is a rose]

i stand (well sit) corrected

[Equality]

"OU is the best team ever. They play tomorrow night at 7:30. Frankly, they should have been in the National Championship."

Hey, how'd OU do last night? LOL. HOOK 'EM HORNS, baby! HOOK 'EM HORNS!

[CV Rick]

Those Horns looked great in October in the shootout. And they were fantastic in the Big 12 Championship game . . . wait, they never made it to the championship. So sad. Well, we'll just console ourselves with the 7 National Championship Banners hanging off Owen Field. Thanks for stopping by.