An Infidelity Kit - Test For Cheating

My ex-wife accused me of cheating on her.  I denied it.  Conventional wisdom holds that if he denies it, it must be true.  What do you do if it's not true, and the accusations fly?  She was convinced, or she wanted it to be true so badly that she had to make herself believe it. 

The woman I was accused of having an affair with was in my graduate program and we were working on a project together.  She was exotic, Venezuelan. She was beautiful and intelligent.  I didn't find out till later that she was receptive to having an affair with me.  By that time I didn't want anything to do with either of them. 

My ex-wife called this woman at home several times.  She called this woman's husband at his work and "exposed" our affair.  She screamed at me and threw knives and dishes.  She kicked me and hit me to keep me from sleeping.  At this time I was working full-time, carrying a full education load, teaching part-time, and just barely keeping everything together.  I had little time to sleep as it was.  She slept during the day.  She was ready to go when I stumbled in the door at nine.  She kept it up till I left for work at five. 

I found out years later one of us had been having an affair.  It wasn't me. 

They're selling this kit

The Original CheckMate Semen Detection Test Kit will quickly and easily monitor your spouse's or child's sexual activity by detecting invisible traces of dried semen that is left in their undergarments after sex...

If any traces of semen are present on the area you decide to test, even in the smallest trace amounts, the patent pending CheckMate Semen Detection Test Kit will detect it. Invisible traces of dried semen can easily be detected for up to 2 years.

They have this show on television where a cheating partner is followed by clandestine cameramen and then confronted publicly.  The anger, the jealousy, the betrayal all makes for good television.

When I was younger I was really concerned with exclusivity.  If I had a girlfriend I wanted to the be only one, the center of her life and whatnot.  But I think that's the expectations that were pumped into me, from my religion, from my society. The fact of the matter is that when I found out that I had been cheated on, my reaction wasn't anger, it was understanding.  "Oh, that explains a lot."  I didn't care. Still don't. 

Why is it okay for one man to claim one woman and vice versa and for that to be the norm, the standard?  It's not the standard in the Bible, and anthropologists will tell us that the standard throughout human history is more polyamorous.  This nuclear family thing is a new innovation.    It also seems to have worked better when we worked together, raised children together, and grew old together in tribes, clans, even villages where duties are shared and so is patience, where people always have someone else to talk to and confide in and love. 

So, my life was ripped apart for something I didn't do, and could've.  I never "cheated" while I was married.  I'm sure I could have, but I didn't.  Few things in my life do I regret, but that's one of them, because let's face it, sex is fun and all the rules just get in the way. 

So, my advice is chill the fuck out.  Are you sharing a nice life, good children, compatible goals?  Well then why let a bit of extra-relationship sex spoil that?

And don't get one of those kits .. .  what if your husband is just a messy masturbator?  Just make him do the laundry.

- rick, in a healthy relationship

Comments

[a rose is a rose]

up to 2 years? ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. you either wash 'em immediately OR toss 'em. who keeps 2 year old dirty unmentionables (well except for monica)?

are you in fact advocating stepping out on YOUR partner? how does SHE feel about it i'm wondering to myself????

polygamy doesn't work - why? because we as humans ARE JEALOUS. (personally, i'm not so much jealous as i am apt to being hurt. i'm way more sensitive than i act)

[Reg]

You know, in a perfect world I might agree with you on extra-marital promiscuity. I mean, we can all agree it's fun to have sex. Back in the 70's, when I was recently married, my father gave me the only marital advice he ever has; Don't cheat on your wife. I still remember his face washed with shades of pain and shame as he said it. My parents were divorced less than a year after he said that, one guess why. I've always followed his advice - even with two tours of Viet Nam followed by college. And guess what? Yep, she had a lot of fun just like your ex. And like Rose said, I was hurt. Permanently. To me fidelity is at the top of the list labeled "Honor". (Sorry to run on.)

[Tim Mulcahy]

Two years? I don't believe it. Besides a UV light should work just as well. Oh, and btw, once they're washed you probably can't detect. I would get your money back.

[a rose is a rose]

oh one more thing, my aunt and uncle were married (i'm guessing here) about 60 years. it WAS over 50. that's for sure. a year and a half ago my aunt found out he stepped out on her way back in the day. they're in their 80s. guess what? SHE KICKED HIM OUT

[Cherise]

If you think you need one of those kits, isn't your relationship in the shitter anyways? Might as well throw in the towel rather than subject your partner to amateur CSI hour.

[CV Rick]

Goodness the reaction, Rose. Kicking him out was ridiculous if you ask me. Jealousy is way overrated.

Fidelity is only at the top of the "Honor" list, Reg, if that's what you promised. Keeping promises is a matter of honor, living by someone else's expectations is just dumb.

"amateur CSI hour" funniest line of the week!

And Tim, I thought the same thing . . . why not just UV light the drawers? I guess the kit is more expensive, and buying shit is what makes America great.

[The Angry Young Man]

There are so many more important and meaningful things related to sharing ones life with another person than completely possessing them sexually. As long as my s/o is honest and plays safe, I could care less. I've never been a jealous type.

[julieann henneman]

Wow. It is true that we project what we do onto others. The ex sounds like a complete basket case. And anyway, I agree with you completly, although it confuses the shit out of me (see my Post on Big Love). LoL

[Sugar]

[are you in fact advocating stepping out on YOUR partner? how does SHE feel about it i'm wondering to myself????]

Rose, I feel just fine with everything Rick chooses for himself that makes him happy, doesn’t involve me personally and doesn’t bring any disrespect into our relationship.

So, let’s boil that down a bit more to real life. If Rick wants to go on a fucking rampage, and by that I mean to run amok with his dick hanging out sticking it in any hole he finds then that is his choice. I would kinda like to know, just so you know I could stock his jean pockets with condoms before he left the house and what not.

If he meets someone that he has a strong connection with personally and would like to explore sexually, I don’t really need to know. That sounds sane enough that he would know how and when to inform me of his infatuation, if at all.
If meets someone that he prefers for good. It would hurt. I would miss him, but I would I hope we would stay friends.

If wants to keep another around for a long time or a couple others around for a long time, as friends, as lovers that would be acceptable.

My needs from Rick are this:
That I am loved.
That I am fucked.
That I am given attention and care.

These things do not take 24 hours of every day. They take a few hours a week. I will always expect that he finds things to do with the rest of his time that are productive and make him happy and that might be doing someone else.
I do have one expectation, that if he does fuck someone else…that she not be mean, stupid or ugly.

If I had any other point of view, I would be a complete hypocrite.

As for this comment:[polygamy doesn't work - why? because we as humans ARE JEALOUS. (personally, i'm not so much jealous as i am apt to being hurt. i'm way more sensitive than i act)]

Humans are all capable of being jealous, just as we are capable of being hateful, disgusted, surprised, angry, loving, forgiving, understanding.

Emotional responses might be quite uncontrollable. The actions that follow that emotional response however are completely up to you.

Rick’s ex-wife felt guilt, jealousy and rage. She chose to stay up all night and yell at him, she chose to hit, kick and throw things. Rick chose to divorce her, good choice btw. She could have dealt with those same feelings by explaining that she wanted something different that he wasn’t providing, by packing her things moving out, by seeking the help of a good therapist or perhaps an exorcist. She didn’t do any of those things.

As for the Grandmother throwing her husband out after years, I suspect that she wanted to about 48 years earlier, but never had an acceptable excuse. She needed justification for her desire to end her marriage. It came late, she acted on it and I would hope is quite happy now. Now, if that isn’t the case and she was happily married and loves her husband still, well, then she is simply a damned fool.

[John]

Isn't it amazing how these things play out? Over the course of 3.5 years, my ex said frequently (at least monthly) that I would cheat on him eventually since everyone else had. And in the end, it was his picking up sex in the parking lot of a gas station that finished off our relationship.

[jane]

Sugar rocks.

[a rose is a rose]

1) thanks for answering me sugar because i am by nature a 'newsbag' (VERY nosey).
2) i feel funny calling you sugar
3) i love my aunt to death but i think she WAS a fool to toss 'em after so long. hell, when i was a TEENAGER, i could tell by looking at him, my uncle was stepping out so she either knew and pretended not to or was very stupid. they still talk by the way and he drives her around, etc
4) let me preface this by saying i in no way shape or form WANT an answer to this because i really do feel what i am about to say is none of my busines but i still have to say it. i am wondering if in fact rick did step out on you since you've been together and if you did feel like you described above. it's one thing to say it it's another thing to live it.

and i REALLY do NOT want to know from either of you. there are things even a nosey rosey like myself should not know
5) my needs are basically the same as yours are sugar but i DO not only expect fidelity i insist upon it.
6)thank you again!

[Sugar]

Rose,

I need the nickname. I have a unique first name and my professional life needs to be kept distinct from my personal life.

Monogamous relationships are great, if that is what you like, need and desire to be happy. Thankfully, Rick and I agree that it isn't important to our life together. If he wanted monogamy, I wouldn't be with him. I can't make those types of promises and neither should he.
They tend to get broken.

[CV Rick]

And,

She likes Sugar better than Girlfriend or GF, which is what I was calling her in the blog.

[a rose is a rose]

i don't like gf either. and thanks for the answers. yeah, i know about names, i have a very unique one as well. but rose really is in there somewhere deep down the line. but there

[viki]

i just have to mention here that those test kits don't work... maybe MY husband IS cheating on me, but he's the one accusing me. he seems to think that that masterful detection kit is actually real--sorry but even if i were having an affair, i wouldn't be having sex EVERY day! silly sad little man....
long story short, don't waste the money on that hoax! i bet if you tested water it would say it's semen........

[cheating spouces]

I feel like people have to take into account that cheating doesn't always mean lying, it just means not being faithful in a supposedly monogamous relationship. I've met people who agree to their spouses cheating with certain people, under certain guidelines, and getting something out of the arrangement as well.

[cheating partners]

As far as the cheating goes, I've always found it strange how political couples seldom get divorced. (Divorce is probably a career-killer, if you're the politician, but if you're the spouse who was cheated on, well, don't at least some of them want to be shed of their cheating partner?)People in every social class/station in life have skeletons in the closet. The ones in "higher" society usually hide it better--doesn't mean it's not there.