#1 Engineer. I have been an engineer, I have worked around engineers, I have thought like engineers. Let me tell you about being "white collar" and being treated like a piece of machinery. Hundred hour weeks, night after night after night in hotels in awful places around the country. They've quantified the engineer's work into manageable bites so carefully that companies know how many keystrokes on a computer a certain kind of calculation is supposed to take, how much time a drawing is allowed for completion, and exactly kind of results and answers are to be expected. Combine that with outsourcing, engineering is one of the most under appreciated, automated rote task by task examples of drudgery on the planet. Why would anyone ever go to college to become something that actually has decreasing job value and wages? Forget it.
#2 Human Resources. You can have it. I don't like paperwork in the first place. I'm not fond of people in the second. And the last thing in this world I want to be responsible for is people's problems. What kind of hell would that be?
#3 Any job that requires me to be in a cubicle. I don't want to work on decorating my little slice of upholstered wall in order to give it unauthorized personality. Been there, done that. Want to know why I laugh so hard at The Office? Because it's all factual . . . that show isn't a stretch in any direction.
#4 Cop. All respect to Alan, but I couldn't do it. I don't want to exert any authority over people to obey the little things in life, like parking and traffic laws. I can understand protecting people from violence and arrested those who commit violent crimes, but searching and cuffing a pot smoker? No thank you. It's just not the Protect and Serve occupation I'd imagine is needed.
six more after the jump
#5 Corrections Officer. It's related to number five, but I can't see myself subduing and containing prisoners in our penal system. I'd look at some of them and I'd think they needed to be kept away from society at all cost and I'd look at others and see someone a lot like me . . . not a good viewpoint for the man in charge.
#6 Grass Farmer. If you know me and you know my seasonal allergy issues, you'd know that farming hay, barley, oats and whatnot, along with caring for cattle and pigs would . . well, you might as well just shoot me in the head, cause I'd want to do it to myself instead of enduring the welts, sinuses, swollen eyes, and constricted breathing.
#7 Advertising Executive. I look at gf, and I see the job from hell. She's in meetings from early morning to late at night . . . meeting after meeting after meeting . . . she controls processes and flow of information, schedules, budgets, and makes sure that her team develops creatively and effectively. She's amazing. I'd fail at that job, sure as shit. They take me out in a stretcher and the story would be legend in the industry.
#8 Bartender. Sometimes the notion of serving up drinks and chatting with people appeals to me. Then I remember that bars are loud and busy and the bartenders are always working really hard, being yelled at, being whispered to, having to hear and distinguish everything in that cacophony of noise and not mess up. I'd be saying, "What?" "What?" so often that they'd throw me into the back alley screaming, "Did you hear that, motherfucker?"
#9 Airport Janitor. Remember Senator Larry Craig? I'm not cleaning those bathrooms.
#10 Actor. I just feel stupid trying to be someone else. I'm only really good at being me.
- rick, meme-ster extraordinaire