Growing Up Mormon - Bad Teeth (and a Mormon Primer)

Before I write about my bad teeth, I have a treat for you.  I talk a lot about Growing Up Mormon, but I haven't really given an overview of what the church actually believes.  This  cartoon is a pretty good rendition of the beliefs I was taught as a child.  There are a couple of inaccurate parts - like Joseph Smith being more important than Jesus (he only implied it, he didn't say it), but for the most part it's spot-on.  Enjoy this and feel free to ask questions.

Mormonism is a very chauvinistic religion.  Men get the priesthood, get to become Gods in the afterlife, get to have dominion of their wives (all of them), and get to decide which wives join them in heaven.  Women get to bear children and be happy homemakers.  There is a heavy-handed disdain for women who work outside the home.  This is important to my story, by the way.

I've hated my teeth since I was a boy.  Instead of attention-straight and lined up, my teeth are the bums and misfits lounging at the bus station.  Because I had a tremendously high fever as an infant I have these calcium spots on my teeth - white pools of hope in an otherwise dingy mouth.  Every time I went to the dentist there were more x-rays, more drilling and filling, and a lecture about dental hygiene.  I brushed and flossed and scrubbed, thinking there'd be some white appearing eventually.

My sister, on the other hand had nice white teeth which were a little crooked. 

Our dentist told my parents that I had a mismatched bite and should have braces and that braces for my sister would only give a cosmetic improvement. We were poor and they had a decision to make.  They chose to give my sister the braces and their reasoning was this:  I'm a boy and I'll grow into manhood.  I'll go on a mission, return from my mission and Mormon girls will line up to date and marry me because I'll be a returned missionary.  I'll get my choice.  My sister, on the other hand, needed the braces for the slight advantage she'd get in competition with all those other Mormon girls for a coveted Returned Missionary.

So, my crooked teeth and I grew into adulthood and had many misadventures together.  None of which involved white shirts, nametags, bicycle helmets, and knocking on stranger's doors.  And I hated my teeth ever since.  I've also avoided dentists as much as possible because I can get expensive bad news anywhere.

But over the past year the pain in my lower left molar got steadily worse until it flared into a full-blown nasty toothache this past weekend.  It was, naturally, a holiday weekend.  On Tuesday I found, through a recommendation, a dentist and I went to see him.  He was unlike any dentist I'd ever seen before.  He was no nonsense and right to the point.  I told him about the pain, about my horrible, chalky, deteriorating teeth full of cavities.

So he examined me and called out a bunch of numbers to his assistant as he tapped and poked and peered.  Then he stopped and said to me, "Your teeth are great.  They're crooked and you have a cross bite, but there is no sign of decay, no gum disease, no weakness.  A mouth full of strong teeth that a thousand patients I've seen would love to trade you for."

"But my teeth have always been bad."

"There's somethings that have been bad with your teeth and I think they all begin with the word, Doctor.  What's been happening is that your bite puts trauma on your teeth in angles and the teeth have developed some minor cracks.  Food gets in those cracks and when you see a dentist he looks at the bits of food on the x-rays and think, Cavity.  He drills and fills and has never addressed the real problem, which is where the trauma is coming from.  This last dentist filled your tooth too close to the nerve and he killed that tooth that is hurting you now.  There's an infection at the root."

So, Doctor New Attitude drilled through the tooth, released the pressure and I'm going back on Friday to finish the root canal.  While I was in the chair he asked if he could do some shaping.  I said sure and he went to work with a grinder.  I'd bite down, he'd look at the problems and then grind here and there and I'd do it again.  Like a sculptor he reshaped my bite and after ten minutes he stopped and said, "Try it now."

I bit down and for the first time in my life the top row fit right onto the bottom row. 

I'm actually considering getting some braces now.  He said it'd be very helpful. 

- rick, wondering why no one told me this shit before.

Comments

[a rose is a rose]

i love my dentist to death BUT i hate GOING to the dentist. i wait and i only go when something BAD happens. well i went in august and i needed a crown on a tooth he had already performed a root canal on. he had a brand new gadget and software that made the tooth right then and there. no more sending out and it made a better fitting tooth too! i still HATED it but it was better than the old way. less time with your mouth pried open. cool 3d software that allows total manipulation of how the new tooth will fit in the position it's intended for. it's called cerec 3d (and NO i'm not affiliated with them in any way shape or form)

i'm sorry you had a toothache but at the same time i'm kinda glad. only because your new dentist did in ten minutes what SHOULD have been done when you were a boy.

[jane]

First of all, I love the comparison of your teeth to the bums et al at the bus station. Reminds me of... Tom Robbins? Elmore Leonard? Someone.

Now, yes, I do have some Mormon questions.

1. I heard J. Smith heard this story from a talking hat? Is that true?

2. Has anyone ever seen the plates? (I always pictured dinner plates, btw.)

3. So there are no Black Mormons? None? What about Hispanic, Asian, Pacific Islanders, etc?

That is all for now. Thanks.

[mark]

to quote a wise man..."this shit is pretty fucked up right here"...wow, people actually believe ANY of that crap? Man I need to start a religeon!

As for the teeth, glad to know you'll be chomping into old(er) age and not gumming!

[Cherise]

I am glad you finally found a dentist you like. I am one of those nutty people who has no problems with the dentist; I don't mind going. I love the way my teeth feel after they are cleaned professionally. Get the braces, it'll be sexy. ;) Your parents are idiots.

[CV Rick]

Jane, It's not really true that there was a talking hat, but angels, spirits, and deities appeared to him quite a bit to chat. The hat was where he put the translation device (magical of course) and then he'd put his face in the hat and "read" the translation out loud for the scribe to write down. This magic was so powerful that J. S. didn't even need the golden plates to be present for it to work - claiming that the plates were hidden in another room or out in the woods or whatnot. For the longest time J. S. was the only one to be "allowed" to see the golden plates, and even he wasn't allowed to translate all of them - a significant part was left sealed apparently because we "aren't ready" for that much truth all at one time. Then, right before he returned the plates to an angel he put 11 people in a trance (first 3, then 8 more) and in this trance-like state they were allowed to witness, but not touch, the plates.

There are some black Mormons. And Hispanic, Asian, and a lot of Pacific Islanders . . . sometimes they just don't know the full racist background and in other cases they just don't care because the church is a "true and ever-changing gospel with revelations that correct all past injustices" and other crap.

[Cele]

Jane, Gladys Knight (no pips) is a Mormon convert. I want to ask, What was she thinking? But the answer would appear she wasn't.

Rick, while this might not come out right, you should be happy your sister got the braces and not you. The possiblity of ending up with TMJ from braces was so much more "back in the day" than now. And you hit upon a dentist who appears to have some humanity inside of him. Congrats. I'm looking for a new dentist, but darn the commute would be a bit much.

[Success Warrior]

I finally went to the dentist last week and found one that I like and has a similar attitude as yours. I think it may change things.

I told him that I hate dentists because it's incredibly hard to numb my mouth so I've had a lot of work done on live roots.

He said he knows why it's hard to numb my mouth and that this time, things should be different.

We'll see in a couple of weeks.

[Jonathan Blake]

Gladys Knight's son was Mormon before she was. He spoke at one of my youth conferences back in the days before she converted.

[The Angry Young Man]

But Rick, you are, what'd they say? Delightsome? AND you were born into a Mormon family. Therefore the story must be true.

I had tetracyclene staining on my teeth from when I was a baby, braces, caps, more caps, and now - I need more caps! Where am I supposed to come up with the American dollars to pay for more caps when I live in the United States? Hah?!

See if they can bleach the hell out of your teeth to ditch the staining. I'm jealous you found a good dentist. I'm currently being manhandled by dental students at UCSF - discount dentistry. They jab the hell out of my gums measuring how they've receded away into nothing. I told them to just remove them all and give me titanium implants like your buddy Jack. Teeth are evidence that the Mormon god is cruel, unpleasant.

[a rose is a rose]

it's ALL clear to me now! even after reading all of your mormon stories (and those of others) i didn't GET IT.

shortly after i woke up this morning, sitting at my laptop with the tv on, i saw the light! or, should i say, the golden plates.

southpark had their mormon episode on and NOW I GET IT