Growing Up Mormon: An Introduction

Reading Sister Mary Lisa's blog has brought back a lot of memories.  I'm the oldest of 5 children and I grew up Mormon.  Presently my two sisters still attend church while my two brothers do not. 

Being Mormon isn't like being Catholic or being Baptist - I've known Catholics and Baptists.  Being Mormon takes nearly every moment of every day, it's a lifestyle, it's an obsession, it permeates every thing you do, watch, say, or read.  Some Catholics are devout and some Protestants are devout, but every active Mormon is swept up in an obsessive community of belief and activity.

There are no Mormons with free time.

In the church, every active member (and even some inactive ones) have callings.  See, there aren't paid positions in the church and there isn't any clergy in the traditional sense.  Sunday School teachers, ward leaders (a ward is the name for each congregation), Primary teachers for the young children, Relief Society leaders for the women, Priesthood leaders for the men, clerks, librarians, scout leaders, and even people who work at the welfare-style food banks and farms are called, affirmed and ordained to their church positions.  And I mean everyone.  I was getting official church callings from the time I was twelve years old - standing up during the main meeting (Sacrament) and announced that I'd been called, everyone raises their hands in affirmation, and then after the meeting is a handshake parade of congratulations. 

And the jobs aren't ever gimme's.  There are phone calls, reports, and responsibilities.  Not to mention meetings.  You have to go to three standard meetings every Sunday.  You have to go to at least a couple during the week.  As a child, Wednesday was the main meeting night for young adults.  You have to spend Mondays getting in fights with your family members at Family Home Evening.  Saturday mornings are rarely free from fellowship and "helping out."  On top of all that, you have to make time for Home Teachers (also called) and Relief Society visitors to speak to all, or some, of your family and you have to go out on those visits to other member's homes. 

You won't find Mormon families socializing in your neighborhood because they're just scrambling around on church business ALL THE TIME.  The Mormon Church doesn't have to make a policy of isolating its members from the rest of the world . . . all their other policies do that effectively already.

Because of that I never had close friendships growing up.   

Besides the fact that I was also raised as a military brat and that we moved frequently, and all the other kids moved frequently as well, I never had good, full days to make friends with the neighbor kids because every evening and every weekend we had something important to do for church. 

"Want to come over and watch movies at my house?"

"I can't." 

"Because of church?"

"Yes.  We've got to go to ______________"

And I'd get a blank stare in response.  Besides, I thought, if your mother or father drinks alcohol I wouldn't be allowed to come over, or if there's even the slightest chance I'd be offered a Coke or something else with caffeine in it I wouldn't be allowed to come over, or if the movie wasn't approved by my father (which was rare because I don't think he ever watched anything that didn't have John Wayne in it) I wouldn't be allowed to come over.  So, "No" was the easiest answer anyway.

My mother was a convert and I think she understood the frustrations.  She was often sympathetic to made-up illnesses that'd keep me from some random church event or the other even when I'd gone to school that day.  She'd grown up Lutheran in North Dakota and converted to the church when my father came back from Vietnam with his reaffirmed religious addiction. 

When you grow up Mormon you're taught that you're a member of a Peculiar People and that being different was a mark of righteousness.  "All those people having fun now will be jealous of us when we're in the Celestial Kingdom and they're on the outside looking in," I was told. Peculiar.  My friends didn't think I was Peculiar so much as I lived a really strange life.  They felt sorry for me and they were always glad for their own lives and families compared to mine.

- rick, grown up and nonmormon

Comments

[a rose is a rose]

i've said it before and i shall say it again, i don't know ANYONE who didn't come from some type of dysfunctional family. there never was an ozzie and harriet in real life

that said, i can't imagine not having real friends as a child. i'm older (JUST a bit) than you are rick but i still remember my best friend in first grade (where i went to catholic school i'll add). i had friends. we played outside till it got dark. we went over each other's houses. we lived in a neighborhood with REAL NEIGHBORS. damn, a kid has got to be a kid!

[Cherise]

Being a Mormon sounds like a giant pain in the ass.

[Tim Mulcahy]

So do you think Mit Romney just might be a bit out of touch with main stream America?

[mark]

heh..."religious addiction"...why does that strike me as funny yet sad?

[Sister Mary Lisa]

My mother bought a set of music tapes sung by primary kids once, and would play it on Sunday mornings in a futile effort to invite The Spirit™ into our home before church...

The song I'm remembering from those tapes went something like this:

"I'm a Mormon, yes I am...And if you'd like to study a Mormon I'm a living spec-i-men...And if you think I'm just like anybody else, you'll see I've studied the Word, you'll think me absurd, I'm different as can be. I'm a Mormon, through and through, and if you think that I am peculiar in the things I say and do.......blah blah blah....blah blah blah....Maybe you'd like to study about the things that I know are TRUUUUE, and YOU CAN BE A MORMON TOO!"

Why, yes, we marched around the living room singing along. Why do you ask?

I think it's great how your memories spur memories of my own, Rick. Good times, good times.

[CV Rick]

Tim, There is no possibility that Romney has even a remote inkling what mainstream America is about. There is also no possibility that he respects any type of Church/State separation.

Rose, Mormon kids don't get to be kids . . . they merely get to be indoctrinated.

Mark, I think Religious Addiction will be the topic of my next Growing Up Mormon post.

Cherise, should you meet any Mormons, look upon the children with pity.

SML . . . ewwwww----primary songs . . . bleh, yuck, phooey.

[Sister Mary Lisa]

Rick, the thing is, those tapes weren't primary songs, more of a popular fad-type purchase that my mom bought into, much like the family home evening idea books that are so popular today. And I've been in primary so much in the past few years that I could teach you many songs. Have you heard, "Follow the Prophet" yet?? Ugh.

[CV Rick]

FHE idea books littered a couple of sagging pressboard shelves in my dad's basement. And those were from the 70's and 80's.

I've been completely out of any Mormon interaction for over a decade, so new primary songs are about as appealing as being put in one of Bush/Cheney's torture prisons.

[Sideon]

SML - Please tell me that your family really DIDN'T march around and sing that song?

Holy. Mother. Of. Gawd.

[Sister Mary Lisa]

Sideon, my dear, it's true. How the hell else would I know every word, 25 years later??

It's embarrassing, but I've been known to share embarrassing stuff before. It's why you love me.

[C. L. Hanson]

Hey Ninja Writer -- I'd be curious to have your feedback on some of the stories I've written based on my own experiences growing up in that peculiar culture: Young Women's and Youth Conference. By coincidence, the story even touches on the same song that Sister Mary Lisa quoted... ;)

[Sister Mary Lisa]

Are you serious, Chanson? Oh, and HI too! I hadn't gotten to the point yet in your story about that song! I'll have to check it out! :) Good to see you over here at Rick's...

[Chris]

SML - We had that same tape, and because of *you* I've been singing it, drat it all.

I remember the "I want to be a missionary now, I don't want to wait until I'm grown...to testify of the (something something something)"

But one of my favorites was "When I grow up, I want to be a mother, and have a family, 1 little 2 little 3 little babies of my own." She eventually has "six little blessings from above" and will"cuddle them all day long and give them cookies and milk and yellow balloons, and comfort them when things go wrong and read them stories and sing them pretty tunes"

And just now I totally understand my sense of guilt for only having four kids. I grew up knowing six was the perfect number (we had six kids, too), and right now that makes me *so mad*. Where was the instruction to grow up and live a little before you have those six kids?? What about instructions on being able to support those "little blessings from above"? Damn.

I didn't mean to rant, you just brought back some very vivid memories.

[Jonathan K]

This may have been your experience, but just like all generalizations, your experience doesn't apply to all.

"every active Mormon is swept up in an obsessive community of belief and activity." - I am not.

"There are no Mormons with free time." - I have plenty of free time.

"You have to go to three standard meetings every Sunday. You have to go to at least a couple during the week...You have to spend Mondays getting in fights with your family members at Family Home Evening...you have to make time for Home Teachers...you have to go out on those visits to other member's homes." - I don't have to do any of these things.

"You won't find Mormon families socializing in your neighborhood" - I socialize in my neighborhood.

"Because of that I never had close friendships growing up." - I had many close friendships growing up - both in and out of the church.

If you don't like the church, that's fine, but please don't imply your experience represents every mormon.

-jonathan, grown up and mormon

[CV Rick]

Oh, Jonathon . . . poor Jonathon

My experiences are representative . . . I'm afraid yours aren't. I have a very large family, almost all living right in the Utah-Idaho Morridor. I have dozens of friends and acquaintances living in that area also. I have hundreds of people who grew up Mormon who directly relate to what I've written and remark about how accurate it is with their own experiences. You have yourself. Enjoy yourself, but not too much or you'll lose your temple recommend.

[Jonathan K]

You're right, I have myself. Isn't that all any of us has? I spent some time reading through your other posts. You have posted some really sad and painful experiences that are touching and, at times, very painful to read. However, the saddest thing to me is that you have chosen to place the blame of these experiences in your life on all Mormons vicariously, as if I personally have done some wrong to you because I am a Mormon. Your sweeping generalizations and hostility towards Mormons show a lack of tolerance - as if all Mormons are the same - just because you and your family are a certain way. Granted, I am not from Utah or Idaho, but your generalizations above are no more correct than saying that all Hispanics are illegals, or all Muslims are terrorists, etc.

[CV Rick]

That's where you're wrong, Jonathon. That's where you are wishing things weren't as they are. The fact of the matter is that I've never been a Hispanic Illegal or a Muslim Terrorist. I have, however, been a Mormon. As such, my experiences are directly to the core of what it means to be a Mormon. I talk about how the members are treated, and while it's true that one's experience differs from person to person, ward to ward, stake to stake, the one central core is a universally accepted Doctrine. And that doctrine is the source of the problems I describe in these personal stories. Mormons do, at the central revelation of the founding prophets, believe that race is a matter of pre-ordained punishment for actions relating to the war in heaven. Mormons do believe that brown skin is a curse. Mormons do believe that homosexual acts are unspeakably grave sins. Mormons do believe in a militant response to external forces. Mormons do believe that a man must have a plurality of marriages in order to achieve the highest glory of the Celestial Kingdom.

It's these beliefs that are the core of the treatment I received and witnessed as a Mormon child, young adult, and adult. It's adherence to a sacred doctrine, secretly revealed as one climbs ranks of worthiness that's the basis for abuse. It's not sweeping generalizations you're experiencing, Jonathon, it's the basic tenants of your belief system taken to the individual impacts that offends you. When it's a doctrine, that's one thing, but when it's personal and accurate, that hurts. I understand that, Jonathon. I really do. It'd probably be better for you if you didn't hang out here because the one thing that my stories will do is stay with you and cause doubts. That's the one thing your church fears most of all . . . doubt.

The saddest thing isn't where I CHOSE to assign blame . . . the saddest thing is that this church of yours refuses to accept responsibility.

[David]

Too bad you never decided to become a Christian. Mormon Christians have a lot more fun and are easier to get along with.

[CV Rick]

Decide to become a Christian? Huh? Decide to go about willingly believing in a false mythology designed to placate people and offer authoritarian control. No thanks. I'm not a lamb.

[Dinah]

Stubbled across this blog. I grew up a Jehovah's Witness. Felt like I was reading from my own childhood. I'm overwhelmed with memories that were safely tucked away.

[dinah]

... that would be 'stumbled'

[CVRick]

I'm glad to have you read my blog, Dinah. I hope you are more free and have grown away from the Jehovah's Witnesses.